Tag Archives: woman stuff

the one where you meet penny.

guys, its fall. officially. i even wore boots today.

we’re down to three weeks between me and the bestdayoftheyearotherthanchristmas (aka my birthday).

my sister and i are now the proud co-parents to #pennythewarriorprincess- she came home with us from the wake county animal shelter three weeks ago, and its safe to say she has us wrapped around her sweet, spotted paws. she’s kinda the cutest dog EVER.

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these are happy things! another thing that makes my heart happy is when i get to think all the thinks- so here’s some thinks i’ve been thinking.

this post from hannah anderson: college girls: education, imago dei, and the gospel

Her entire experience of Christianity was based in her relationship to a husband or father and NOT in relationship to Christ.

This is not simply an area of misunderstanding. This is a line of thinking that represents a much deeper, much more insidious problem. One that boarders on heresy because it distorts, and at times rejects, a key doctrine of the gospel: The doctrine of imago Dei.

The doctrine of imago Dei teaches that every human being, every man and woman, every boy and, yes, every girl is made in God’s image, destined to reflect His character and to represent Him on this earth. Our core identity comes from God’s identity. Pay attention: imago Dei is not simply a starting point for other doctrines, nor is it simply a means of ascribing equal worth to men and women (although it does). No, imago Dei is the most basic paradigm for how we understand our existence.

It is a truth that runs through the warp and weave of the entire Scripture. It informs everything about the gospel—what we were created to be, what sin is, how redemption happens, and what we will one day become. It is also the basis on which Jesus Christ, the God-Man, can redeem us. Simply put, the truth of imago Dei IS creation, justification, sanctification, and glorification all in one package.

And if you mess with it, you mess with the gospel.

another incredibly helpful piece from THE brad hambrick: differentiating mourning from wallowing in depression-anxiety

There are many things that unhealthy wallowing and healthy mourning have in common. It can be easier to confuse one from the other than many people think. The person who thinks he is “working through” his pain may be wallowing in self-pity. Those who try to rouse their friend out of self-pity may be rushing them through legitimate mourning.

this post from wendy alsup made me stand up and holler: the third way on gender

But what if all the verses on women actually work together in conjunction? And what if they work in conjunction with everything else in Scripture as well? There is a third way on gender, and I’d argue it’s actually the Biblical way – the way that keeps all the verses, reading them all in light of the redemption story. It starts with creation, men and women as image bearers of God. It understands the fall and the impact of sin on both genders. And it capitalizes on redemption, Jesus’ atonement for our sin that equips us to once again be image bearers of God. I envision a third way that centers around redemptive image bearing.

wrap your head around this: 

this whole album from phillip phillips: 


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by definition.

samantha ….

  • daughter
  • sister
  • friend
  • student
  • ex-girlfriend
  • former employee
  • leader
  • servant
  • follower
  • writer
  • reader
  • mentor
  • teacher
  • imperfect
  • impatient
  • unfocused
  • lacking
  • tired
  • unlovable
  • too much
  • not enough
  • complicated
  • beautiful
  • blessed
  • loved
  • funny
  • sarcastic
  • critical
  • short
  • ………..

the list continues.  some of these are ‘hats’ that i wear; some are attributes; some are words i would use to describe myself- others are words other people would use to describe me.  while some are true and others are not, those words don’t define me.  this is something i’ve been thinking about alot lately, especially in light of recent events in my life.  (for more on that, see previous posts :)) but awhile back, jon acuff (author of the ‘stuff christians like’ blog) wrote about this topic- so timely and just what i needed to be reminded of.  i won’t elaborate other than to tell you to read the post here.

i wrote several months ago about the fact that my tattoos help me remember who i am- they are all words that describe my position or identity in christ.  but he is the only one who is qualified to answer the question i’ve been asking myself- the question we all ask ourselves- “who am i?” the one who created us is the one who gets to answer that- no one else.

i know this. i mean, i KNOW this. but sometimes i still forget, or i let that knowledge get a little fuzzy. what i’m learning now is that while i know who gets to define me, and even some of the words he uses- that definition is never complete (at least not this side of heaven). as long as christ keeps conforming me to his character, and as long as i keep walking this crazy journey known as life, i am ever changing. ever growing. ever learning. ever deepening. ever becoming.

this means that i might not ever know myself fully. while i’m not a huge fan of this idea, the flip side is that there is still the power to change, improve, and surprise.  those are good things. because its disheartening to be 28 years old, have two master’s degrees, and still not know what i’m doing with my life. i know i’m working out of a funk, so all of this is coming out of a place i shouldn’t be in anyways. but my state of mind (and heart) right now does serve to make me glad that the rest of my story is yet to be revealed. who i am, by definition of sanctification, isn’t nailed down yet. there is hope for me, and for all of us.

oh christ, be the center of our lives

be the place we fix our eyes

be the center.

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days like today are why i have tattoos.

there are days when it is all i can do to remember who i am.

i’m sitting in my office right now, writing discussion boards for one class and grading them for another. its raining, and has been for days. i’m in a funk.

there are days when it is all i can do to remember who i am.

i’m sitting in my office, surrounded by post-it notes- the multicolored stickies wallpaper my cube, and tell me how much my friends love me.  i spent most of the day at church, volunteering for three out of the four services we put on today- i was thanked and affirmed over and over! i got new rain boots yesterday and lost track off how many people told me how adorable they were. if there was ever a day when i had the praise of men, today would be it.

but those things, however sweet, aren’t who i am.

if you’ve ever read this blog before, you know i have two tattoos.  one is on my left wrist- ‘beloved’ in hebrew and english; the other is on the top of my left foot- ‘blessed’.  this isn’t about whether or not you think i should have tattoos.  this is about me reminding myself who i am. ‘beloved’ is who god sees when he looks at me. ‘blessed’ is who i am in him. days like today, when i can’t remember who i am, i just look down.

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give us a king.

i acknowledged to myself (and my sister) today that i am in a funk. well, its not full-blown yet, but it could really get there in a hurry. i had a conversation with one of my good guy friends this afternoon that has seriously messed with my head. the conversation is a familiar one by one …. which is part of the problem. its not that the conversation isn’t a good one, but it isn’t necessarily pleasant either. it goes something like this:

[guy]: can i ask you something?

[me]: sure, go for it (at this point, i already know what’s coming, and am bracing myself)

[guy]: do you know __________________? (fill in the blank with girl’s name)

[me]: (usually) yeah, i know her. what’s up?

[guy]: well, what do you think of her?

and i answer honestly. sometimes the answer is positive; yeah, she’s a great girl. solid, mature, would fit/be compatible with you, etc. but sometimes the answer is negative: yeah, i guess she’s a nice girl. but i’ve noticed _____________ about her, or she is working through _____________ or _______________ or whatever- pick your issue and fill in the blank.

but more and more lately, than answer has been something along the lines of “yeah, she’s a great girl. for where she is in life and her experiences, she is right on track and solid and growing. but where she is and where you are, are separated by a pretty large gap called life experience/stage of life.” this afternoon, i must admit, i got more than a little frustrated. i have the hardest time understanding why men my age, with no discernable major issues (those are hard to find, let me tell you!) decide that the one for them is a girl who is usually a lot younger, and leap years behind in terms of what kinds of life she’s been through. [just so i’m not misunderstood: age is not the important factor here. i’m not saying that a 22 year old is too young for a person my age, i’m just saying that the average 22 year old isn’t on a level playing field as far as the life they have experienced. i don’t want to teach someone how to be an adult. i want a guy who has a job, pays his own bills, knows, owns, and is working though his personal baggage inside his relationship with the lord. if i wanted someone i had to teach how to be an adult, i’d have kids! but if you’re 22 and think you can keep up with me, much less lead me- email me for an application. (hahaha!)] but seriously- its not that these young ladies aren’t great people; but they are girls. guys, if you want to be men then you need to date women. don’t date down in terms of maturity and life stage.

<discaimer: the reason these conversations are hard is not because i am interested in any of these guys in a romantic way- but whether the interest is there or not, sometimes it just hard to watch what you want so desperately happen to someone else. i love these guys and value their friendships and wisdom in my life, and i am thankful for the level of trust that allows us to have these conversations. fyi 🙂 >

coming from me, a single woman in her (gulp) late twenties, i’m sure this sounds like sour grapes and a whole lot of complaining. and you’re right- there is some truth to that. but there is also a genuine frustration when i watch my guy friends put themselves in relationships where they aren’t being edified, challenged, and cared for like they should be. but the complaining part is what this post is mostly about.

i had a very honest conversation with my sister this evening over dinner, and she challenged me with something that cut to the heart of the matter. [quick background about my sister: she’s awesome. 4 years younger than me, my best friend. has come through a lot of crap that was the result of a string of poor decisions that she made regarding relationships, and now questions whether or not she even wants to get married. but she has learned much, and is an encouragement to me as she allows the lord to heal and change her.] sarah used the example of 1 samuel 8 where Israel demands a king. up to this point in their history, they have been led by judges. sometimes this went well …. sometimes it didn’t. at this time in history, samuel has judged israel for many many years, and “when he grew old, he appointed his sons judges for israel.” but we see that his sons did not walk in his ways- they were easily brided, and ‘perverted justice’. so the elders got together with samuel and asked him to appoint a king to rule over them, ‘such as the other nations have’. when samuel inquired of the lord, he was told to go ahead and appoint a king- this was not israel rejecting samuel’s leadership, it was israel rejecting God as their king. while what they asked was not a bad thing- they wanted the removal of corrupt judges, and the appointment of a king to rule them- it signified a rejection of the theocracy that God had set up. saul is appointed and things go well for a time, but eventually he is possessed by a spirit and tries to kill the shepherd boy who would one day succeed him as king.

what sarah was getting at is that there came a point where she asked god for a boyfriend. and he knew that what would be best for her in the long run would be to give her that relationship. a few weeks later, she met a guy we’ll call chuck. for lack of a better way to explain chuck, let’s just say that if i ever saw him again, i would pull that move from ‘what happens in vegas’ and junk-punch him. “YOU know why.” but after chuck came another guy. and another. and a string of guys who used her and took her down roads she swore she’d never go. sarah said tonight that the only thing good she took from that time in her life is the way she experienced grace and learned to trust in and wait on the lord.

what she asked for (and what i sometimes ask for) is not a bad thing. we are wired and designed to desire and thrive in that kind of relationship. but when we ask for something that is contrary to god’s timing in our lives, we are asking for the worst kind of pain. god knows that sometimes his best for us is born out of the pain of our broken heart but he knows that at other times, his best for us is born out of the pain of waiting. c.s.lewis wrote: “we’re not necessarily doubting that god will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” as i wrote in an earlier post, god is all about two things: his glorification and our best interest. if those things involve pain, the so be it …. but those situations also provide god with an opportunity to show himself mighty through redemption, grace, and healing.

there are moments when i really- like really want to be in a relationship, headed for marriage. i strongly desire to be a helpmeet, a support system, a right hand. i want to center my life around doing ministry with someone and raising a family with them. but i’m picky- there are qualities that man must be in possession of! and i have a lot to do and learn before i am ready to settle down. and the last, and most important reason i’m still single: god knows that his best for me is accomplished through the pain of my waiting on him. so lord, keep me seeking you …. keep me hungry and looking to you to sustain me. keep teaching me to find my identity and sufficiency in you and not in my relational status. keep me trusting that you love me and have your best in mind for me, and that you are not ‘holding out on me’. keep my heart soft enough to not push against the limits you’ve put on me, so that i don’t provoke you into giving me what i want before your time. keep changing me and making me more like Christ, so that i am better equipped to do and be whatever and whoever you call me to. even when it hurts.

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wemmicks, and a tattoo.

thoughts from serious wednesday:

no one, not even me really, gets to define me.  that ability belongs to god alone. we may try to mark ourselves and others, but those marks don’t define a person.  i’m not saying that our experiences don’t shape us, that they don’t cause us to view ourselves a certain way or affect how we think and act- but we are more than the sum of our experiences.  we hear alot of voices- some puff us up, some beat us down, some are static.  and then there are the silent voices in our lives; rather the ones who should have spoken and didn’t.

the name of my blog is ‘beloved tattoo’.  that’s because i have the word ‘beloved’ tattooed on my left wrist in english and hebrew.  just about everyone who notices it tells me that its beautiful, and i would agree (which is good, since i chose it and its going to be on my body for the rest of my life!).  while i did this to myself- marked myself- i did chose a word that i know god uses to define us.  the short version of the story behind that tattoo is that i needed a visual and permanent reminder of what the only voice that matters was saying about me.  i listened to the wrong voices for a long time- i let people leave their marks on me.  don’t tune out now … this isn’t a blog about self-respect of jesus thinking i’m a princess.  this is about the reality of the fact that no one else has the ability to define who samantha joy linton is.  only the one who thought me up and made me out of dust gets to do that.  only the one who came to earth as a squalling newborn, grew up perfectly and without sin, gave his life in exchange for mine and then rose again gets to do that.

max lucado wrote a childrens book several years ago- a series of them, in fact- about little wooden people called wemmicks.  in the first book, you are special, we learn about the wemmicks: all made by the woodcarver eli, all living in the same village, but all different.  and they all give each other stickers.  all day, every day- gray dots for bad things (like being mean, or clumsy, or ugly, or having brown hair instead of blonde) and yellow stars for good things (being a good athlete, or a good singer, or being pretty or smart).  the main character in the story is a little guy named punchinello.  he couldn’t seem to jump high enough- he always fell, which earned him a dot.  sometimes when he fell, his paint would get scratched, earning him another got. then he would try to explain but the words wouldn’t come out right, earning him another dot. and some wemmicks gave him dots just because he already had dots, like he deserved them just because. ” ‘he deserves lots of dots,’ the wooden people would agree with one another. ‘he’s not a good wooden person.’ after a while, punchinello believed them. ‘i’m not a good wemmick,’ he would say.” he eventually gets so many dots that he doesn’t want to come outside anymore. then he meets lucia- a wemmick with no dots or stars! people would try to give them to her, but none of them stuck to her.  punchinello asked her how she managed to not have anyone’s marks stick to her, and she told him to go see the woodcarver eli.  so punchinello makes the long hike up the hill to eli’s workshop, fearful of what eli will say when he sees everyone’s marks on him.  ” ‘looks like you’ve been given some bad marks.’ ‘i didn’t mean to, eli! i tried really hard!’ ‘oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. i don’t care what the other wemmicks think.’ ‘you don’t?!’ ‘no, and you shouldn’t either. who are they to give stars and dots? … what they think doesn’t matter, punchinello.  all that matters is what i think.  and i think you are pretty special.’ “

i know what you’re thinking: that i’m sappy and full of crap.  but listen to what eli says when punchinello asks why: ” ‘because you’re mine.  that’s why you matter to me.‘ the stickers only stick if they matter to you.  the more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers.’ ”  as punchinello leaves eli’s shop, eli reminds him: ” ‘you are special because i made you. and i don’t make mistakes.’ “

there are days, seasons even, where life is hard.  where relationships end because someone was unfaithful and broke your heart, where you wreck your car and don’t have money for another one, where someone that you’ve looked up to your whole life crushes your dreams in a single conversation, where someone hurts you purposefully and does everything in their power to mark you. and while those things suck, and while they shape the way that we view things, how easily we trust, who we choose to open ourselves up to, and what voices to listen to, they do not define us.  i am not defined by things someone says to or about me when they are in a bad mood. i am not defined by a broken relationship where a guy i loved cheated on me.  i am not defined by what someone else believes i should be doing with my life or by their definition of success. i am not defined by what i think about myself, or even what you think about me. i am defined as god’s child- made in his image, purchased with his own body.  and when god looks at me, he doesn’t see my stupidity, or my clumsiness, or my many faults, or my epic failures, or my pride. he sees his daughter, the one that he calls beloved.  that changes things. that changes everything.

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the list (originally posted 2/28/09)

i realized something a few weeks ago: i don’t know how to say ‘no’. i was hanging out with an older friend- someone who has been around the block a few times, and one of those few people i know i can trust to be straight up with me. he was asking me about some recent developments in my life (florida and the church plant specifically) and how they were affecting everything that i was already currently involved in. i began ticking off the list of things that i do or am involved in . . . and after the fifth or sixth thing, his eyebrows began to rise … and rise … until soon they were level with where his hairline should have been if he wasn’t bald. ‘when do you sleep?!’ he asked. i had to think about it, and then i answered pretty sheepishly that i didn’t sleep enough. ‘when do you just sit? when do you steal away for coffee and some time with the lord in the word?!’ i was starting to squirm more than a little by this point. while i have many friends who love me- and i know they care about me deeply- very few of them ask me how me and jesus are doing. i’ll confess now, as i did then, that i don’t spend nearly as much time as i need to just sitting and soaking up the word and the presence of my jesus. i’ve been reading some great books and learning some great things, but they cannot substitute for talking with and learning from jesus himself.
my friend also asked me how my love life was going. oh great. my favorite question. (‘when are you going to settle down? how old are you now? really, 26? you know i have a nice nephew/son/brother/2nd cousin’s brother’s uncle’s neighbor’s contractor’s accountant’s friend?) i do want to get married. who doesn’t?! as discussed in my last post, i know that i have alot to offer a man- i’d make an awesome girlfriend, and i’ll be one heck of a wife! but as my friend pointed out: honey, you could meet him tomorrow, but you’d have no time for him! what if the man of god’s dreams for you walked up to you tomorrow in starbucks and asked you to run away with him? you’d have to pull out your day timer and see when your next availability was- probably 2014!!
of all things to really hit me, that was it. i’m not sure why, other than the fact that i work so hard to stay ahead and on top of things that i struggle to exist in the now. i’m a planner and a scheduler. i love spontaneity, but who has time for that?! i am working on simplifying . . . and in the process, i decided that i wanted to write down a list of exactly what i’m looking for, so that when i do have time for that run to starbucks to meet the man of god’s dreams for me, i’ll know who to be on the lookout for. so here are the non-negotiables:

1. absolute god follower. not a wishy-washy christian!
2. called to ministry. doesn’t have to be vocational, but someone who loves church and people.
3. taller than me. this shouldn’t be hard- i’m less than 5 foot 2!
4. coffee drinker.
5. loves music, movies, and books.
6. loves to travel- roadtrips are not optional!
7. wants to take care of me. and does.
8. sexy as all get out! (they do say beauty is in the eye of the beholder)
9. when i tell people who my man is, i want them to think i’m the most blessed woman on earth.
10. loves their family- and mine!
11. creative thinker.
12. thinks i’m smart. (i’ve wasted too much time on guys who want dumb girls. you don’t know what you’re missing.)
13. likes a challenge.
14. strong work ethic
15. my dad must approve of him! dad is my standard of men overall- masculinity, gentleman-ness, etc.
16. passes the sister test. probably harder than passing the dad test.
17. makes me laugh, and loves to laugh
18. knows himself, who god made him to be, and is living that!
19. thinks i’m the most beautiful woman on the planet.
20. surprises me with little things- thoughtful
21. encourages me
22. listens when i talk
23. wants kids … maybe adopted ones too! i’ve always wanted my own version of the children of the world choir!
24. appreciates the little idiosyncrasies that make me me.
25. smarter than me
26. can work with his hands
27. is ok with dressing up and taking me out once in awhile, but is also ok with grunging it up for a movie night.
28. protects my heart
29. dreams big dreams- and lets me do the same

i’m sure i’ll think of more. or enlarge some of the existing ones. in the meantime, i’ll just keep being me. i’ll just keep growing, keep dreaming, and keep working to be the woman god made me to be. i’ll keep working on that little two-letter word: no. keep learning to guard my time and my relationship with my jesus, so that when i do walk into starbucks and meet him, i’ll know him even before we introduce ourselves.

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a difficult woman (originally posted 1/16/09)

a few weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me that he thought i would be a difficult wife. when i asked him to elaborate, he floundered for a moment before mumbling something about me being high-maintenance (which he later retracted . . . and changed to medium-maintenance). on the heels of this conversation, another friend made a comment referencing something to the effect of ‘all women want a guy who is whipped’. my reply was- if by ‘whipped’ you mean someone who lets me get away with everything, and is a ‘yes, dear’ kind of guy, then you’re dead wrong. if by ‘whipped’ you mean a man who serves me in mutual submission, who adores me but challenges me to be a better woman, then you are absolutely correct!
this conversation has stayed with me . . . and i revisited it today. i was working on some things for school while sitting in the seminary office, and somehow one of the girls and i get onto the topic of unhealthy relationships. i remarked that i am sick of boys- i only want to date men from now on! i was asked to elaborate on that- what differentiates a boy from a man?
the list: (this is the general and partial list)
general maturity: wisdom, patience, knowing yourself, appropriate confidence
general stability: knowing what you want from life- and if you don’t have it now, have or be working on a plan of how to get there.

and even following that- tonight the same good friend from before was conferring with a couple of other friends about which of us would be heartbreakers and who would be the heartbroken. i got labeled a heartbreaker. not really sure how . . . but it did give us a chance as a group to revisit that earlier conversation. i mentioned that i had been told that i would be a ‘difficult wife’ and the other friend agreed. i really did want the opinion of these two guy friends, so i asked them what would make them say that? reasons given: i am not a ‘roll over and play dead’ kind of girl. i want a man who will grow a pair and be the leader he was created to be!! (when i said that . . . all hell broke loose. that was quoted as the number one reason that i would be difficult.) i was also told that i don’t back down easily and that i am sometimes too independent. i have dated guys who have been really easy to submit to; i’ve also dated guys where it was a struggle every moment!! i am a strong, independent, think-for-myself, driven, stubborn woman. and while these things make it difficult for me to find someone i feel is worth dating, it also weeds out the guys who aren’t up for a challenging adventure. my dad remarked to me one day a few years ago that my husband ‘would not always be happy, but he sure would be well fed, entertained, and fiercely loved.’ if i’m with a man who knows himself and who god has made him to be, its easy to submit to that kind of leadership. i don’t want a man who will let me go unchecked and unchallenged- call me out when i’m off base! and knowing the lord’s sense of humor, i’m sure i’ll end up with a man who is as stubborn as i am.
i am a handful- god knows! but although it takes me awhile to fall, i fall hard and deep. once i give my heart away, you’re kind of stuck with it. i love with fierce devotion and do everything- whether its love, fight, or make up- with my whole self. there are things i need to work on- things that the lord needs to soften in me and rough edges to smooth away- but i make no apologies for being me. i’m sure there is only one man on the planet who can handle this mess . . . and i know it won’t be easy, but i can say with confidence that it will be worth it. that man will be appreciated, celebrated, and adored. he will be fiercely loved, sweetly cared for, and able to rest securely in the knowledge that my heart is the safest place for him to rest.
difficult? yes. worth it? definitely.

addendum: relationships are like dancing.
my dear friend derrick asked me to dance on tuesday. i politely declined, reminding him that i am NOT a good dancer. he told me that it doesn’t matter if i can dance or not- because he can. and since the guy leads the dance, as long as he knows how to dance and is comfortable with leading, then it doesn’t matter if the girl can dance or not as long as she follows.
life lesson:as long as the man knows how to lead, everyone’s having a good time.
i don’t have to be a good dancer- as long as the guy knows how to dance and is willing to lead, i can still dance.

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funk (originally posted 11/7/08)

its that time again.

this only happens to me a few times a year, and this one is long overdue, so its pretty major. its that time when nothing is really wrong, but nothing is just as it should be, either. i think it all started over the weekend- i mean, it was a pretty great weekend. i hung out with friends, listened to some decent bands, watched the seminary trounce the law school at the first annual turkey bowl, and had a sleepover with my small group girls. the ish hit the fan on sunday morning when i found out about april’s skydiving accident. long story short, she passed away early sunday morning. i spent the better part of sunday in tearful prayer. but i also got to assist in the filming of an amazing story that we are going to show at church this coming sunday. i absolutely love what i get to do at brentwood church! i’ve worked and voted, watched some friends dominate a flag football game, had some great conversations with my sister and some other amazing friends, gotten a brow wax, consumed a lot of coffee, and attended a funeral, among other things. some are commonplace, some only occur at infrequent intervals.
i’m sure reading that list you can see why my week would be thrown off. but i’m sure you’re also muttering under your breath (ok, maybe out loud . . .) ‘and this is a huge deal WHY?’
the answer is that i am learning to live loved. i recently finished reading ‘the shack’ by william young in preparation for the series that we’re about to launch at brentwood church. (great book, by the way.) while the seminary student in me has a hard time with some of the implications of this narrative, i also am processing alot of good from this read. in one of the main character’s many conversations with god, the idea of ‘living loved’ comes up. the gist is that we must understand that god loves us, and trust that love enough to walk in it every hour of every day. if we live in that love, if we rest in it, the world flows around us. it doesn’t mean that crap doesn’t happen and that people don’t screw up- it means that at the end of the day we are confident in three things: god is good, he loves us, and he is there with us in whatever happens.
a conversation i had on monday night: my dear friend julie was encouraging me with my relationships. i’m single. just putting that out into the universe. and most of the time i am just fine with that. i love my life: i have great friends, an amazing family, a church that i love and get to serve in, and i’m enjoying the heck out of seminary. but i also know that in spite of my many imperfections and the fact that i am no barbie, i have alot to offer a man in a relationship. i am capable of deep love and caring. i am loyal and faithful. i’m pretty low maintenance. i’m funny as all and probably one of the sassiest women you’ll meet. i’m also cute as a button and a great cook. i am confident that my heart is a safe place for a man. but even though i know those things, i must not believe them enough to act on them . . . because i still catch myself in that vicious cycle of settling. i still catch myself telling myself that the guys that meet my standards would never be interested in me . . . so i have to settle for the ones who do look my way, but don’t exactly meet or exceed my standards. for me, settling is sin. its something that i damage myself with when i get in these funks. when i allow someone who does not view me as a woman of worth to capture my affections and attention, i am setting myself up for a bruised heart and a wounded spirit. julie is a beautiful, amazing woman. and she recently started dating an amazing man who is pursuing her and treating her like the princess she is. i envy her that . . . but it also gives me a little hope 🙂
i am desperately seeking to be deeper and sweeter in my fellowship with christ. i am opening myself up to the love of god, and learning to trust it and live in it. and as with any discipline, just when you make the commitment to any decision, everything that could possibly happen to jack that up will happen. case in point.

bottom line: god is good. i am a human woman. those two qualities predispose me to emotional overflow and funk. but they don’t excuse wallowing in something that i can change. i am choosing to leave these thoughts here; i am choosing to fall asleep tonight knowing that i will experience the love of god in unexpected ways tomorrow. i don’t have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way that he loves me.

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