the one where i don’t know what to say

its been awhile.

it feels strange to be clicking keys and stringing words together in an attempt to form coherent sentences that try desperately to tell you things i have no idea how to say.  it feels foreign to be the girl who was never at a loss for words, and to now be the girl who is fighting every way she knows how to learn to speak again.  it is startling to hear the jaggedness and feel the razor sharpness of my words.  it is agonizing to pull myself to my feet and realize that i haven’t been standing since i can’t remember when.  it is surreal to watch myself as i put every ounce of me into putting one foor in front of the other.  it is terrifying to look in the mirror and not know the person in the reflection.

but i am slowly, painfully, messily re-learning-  how to speak, how to walk, who He is, who i am.  i am and have been deconstructed. i am and have been broken-

ohhh, the brokenness.

but i am speaking again.  i am walking, slowly, in painful awkward baby steps.  i see glimpses of the girl i knew in the face of the one in the mirror.  i even laugh sometimes.  i am being remade, rebuilt,  revived, reawakened.

i realize that this may sound dramatic to you … but i make no apologies.  life has been more heavy than sweet the last several months.  i won’t sugarcoat it, but neither will i spill all and rehash every tiny detail.  the circle of people that i trust has shrunk considerably.  there has been unspeakable pain, more tears in three months than in 30 years, the death of dreams, the questioning of callings, relationships ended, hope deferred.  there have been dark nights, and dark days too.  there have been weeks where i could not pray, and there have been weeks where the only words i had for Him were curses.

sorrow may endure for a night (or many nights), but joy comes in the morning.  joy may take her time, but she always shows up when invited.  sometimes she arrives slowly, like a sunrise.  sometimes she is there faster than turning on a bright light.  but she does come, and is coming.

my life has read like a psalm lately- mostly the beginning of many of david’s psalms, asking God where he is, demanding answers, despairing and despondent.  but like david, it doesn’t stop there.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.  
{psalm 13}

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