oh 2010 … you were a good year.
i finished a master’s degree, went to new york city for spring break, served at the orange and catalyst conferences, did relief work in haiti with a team from my church, moved twice, went on my first vacation as an adult (where i had my first trader joe’s experience!), joined an amazing community group, learned to make quiche, hung out with a bunch of awesome college students every week, attempted to make homemade yeast rolls, drank ALOT of coffee, watched the least amount of TV in a year than any other year in my life, watched God work in our family through dad’s accident and praised him for such an amazing display of thankfulness, had my car broken into and my ipod stolen, made quick trips to nashville and charlotte (where i had my first ikea experience!), attended my 10 year high school reunion, turned 28 … and alot more.
but while it was a great year, i didn’t accomplish all that i wanted to. i don’t make new year’s resolutions, but i do take advantage of the opportunity for a fresh start. and of all of the things i wanted to start fresh last year … let’s just say most of them were a bust and leave it at that. i can honestly say that i made some great strides forward last year- i can’t write any of that off as a loss; but i know that i also took some giant handsprings backward. which leaves me feeling like any growth i experienced last year is negated. i know that i’m not a disappointment to God; i know his work in me has not been without effect- but i get so discouraged when i look at where i am today compared to where i was a year ago and the distance is so small. i wanted 2010 to be a year of growth by leaps and bounds! and i feel like it was growth by baby steps and sideways bunny hops. i am distinctly lacking in understanding of the necessity of living in the tension between dependence and maturity. none of the growth that i want to see in my life can be accomplished on my own- my willpower is not strong enough to say no to ice cream, much less spend the time i’d like to in the Word. i MUST have the grace and power of the holy spirit at work in me if any real change is to be made. and i cannot manufacture that!! its a tough pill for ‘little miss independence’ to swallow.
but it is a pill that i must swallow if i ever want to leave the spot i’m standing in. so while i am about to hit the job search pretty hard, i am carving out a few days this week (and next week, if necessary!) to evaluate, assess, and pray that the lord will show me the areas we need to work at this year. i know some things that i’d like to work on, but i’m not my own so i figure if this is going to be a good year i should concentrate on following him and let him decide what to do.
a friend tweeted this quote today by the estimable c.s.lewis- it fits the way i feel right now, and sums up the trepidation with which i enter 2011: “We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
but jesus offers me this: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (matthew 11:28-30) unforced rhythms of grace. whoa nellie. THAT is what i want to walk in this year, and every year following. how’s that for a new start?