so …. i was cleaning up my hard drive and found this draft …. from january. january. as in …. almost 5 months ago. i really suck at this whole ‘keeping up with writing’ thing. but i thought i would share it anyways …. so without further ado: thoughts from january.
‘To be caught in secret sin is a horrible thing. Only one thing worse- not to be caught.’
a friend of mine put this up as his status on facebook this morning …. normally i wouldn’t admit that one of the first things i do in the morning to check my media stuff, but i’ll let the cat out of the bag so that you’re aware of my mental state when i read this. i’d been awake for maybe 8 minutes? and this hit me right upside the face. sin is a topic i don’t discuss on a terribly regular basis- its uncomfortable, there are always exceptions to rules, i am too proud …. the list goes on and on. but surprisingly enough, i had been talking about sin (and almost this topic in particular) the other day- so when i saw this quote, it totally rocked me.
the ‘godly’ side of me hates getting away with the sins in my life that no one knows about. there is a visceral loathing that happens- self loathing, of course, after all i am the one who cannot seem to stop sinning; but i also find myself loathing those who are my closest friends who know that i have mired myself in a sea of sin and are too aloof or afraid to call me out. there is a despair that comes with this- each day that goes by that i cling to my sin, the seemingly higher and thicker the wall between me and the lord gets. the longer and more difficult the road home. there comes a point in that despair that we begin to want to be caught. while i’m often too stubborn to turn around and take that first step, i want to be exposed so that the step is taken for me and there is nowhere else for me to go except back to Him. don’t misunderstand me- getting caught sucks ….. like really really sucks. but there a freedom that comes with nakedness. everyone knows your junk now- there is no more hiding, and there is no more darkness to cover me, only light.
to top it off, my roommate tweeted this at some point during the day:
‘people who are willing to help you hide are also the same people who aid in your demise. to hide is to isolate one’s self. What do you hide?’
i’ll hopefully be visiting this topic again soon and in more detail. i know its not a popular one, but it needs to be addressed. we as a body of Christ have fully grasped the fact that we need to gain a better understanding of the love of God, and his grace; but we have done this at the expense of gaining a fuller understanding of his justice and hatred for sin. if we understood how much God hated sin, we would appreciate his love and grace more deeply; and be much more prone to die to ourselves. if the shame that comes with getting caught is what it takes to make us understand this, then i pray we are all caught red –handed in whatever it is that has so craftily ensnared us.