funk (originally posted 11/7/08)

its that time again.

this only happens to me a few times a year, and this one is long overdue, so its pretty major. its that time when nothing is really wrong, but nothing is just as it should be, either. i think it all started over the weekend- i mean, it was a pretty great weekend. i hung out with friends, listened to some decent bands, watched the seminary trounce the law school at the first annual turkey bowl, and had a sleepover with my small group girls. the ish hit the fan on sunday morning when i found out about april’s skydiving accident. long story short, she passed away early sunday morning. i spent the better part of sunday in tearful prayer. but i also got to assist in the filming of an amazing story that we are going to show at church this coming sunday. i absolutely love what i get to do at brentwood church! i’ve worked and voted, watched some friends dominate a flag football game, had some great conversations with my sister and some other amazing friends, gotten a brow wax, consumed a lot of coffee, and attended a funeral, among other things. some are commonplace, some only occur at infrequent intervals.
i’m sure reading that list you can see why my week would be thrown off. but i’m sure you’re also muttering under your breath (ok, maybe out loud . . .) ‘and this is a huge deal WHY?’
the answer is that i am learning to live loved. i recently finished reading ‘the shack’ by william young in preparation for the series that we’re about to launch at brentwood church. (great book, by the way.) while the seminary student in me has a hard time with some of the implications of this narrative, i also am processing alot of good from this read. in one of the main character’s many conversations with god, the idea of ‘living loved’ comes up. the gist is that we must understand that god loves us, and trust that love enough to walk in it every hour of every day. if we live in that love, if we rest in it, the world flows around us. it doesn’t mean that crap doesn’t happen and that people don’t screw up- it means that at the end of the day we are confident in three things: god is good, he loves us, and he is there with us in whatever happens.
a conversation i had on monday night: my dear friend julie was encouraging me with my relationships. i’m single. just putting that out into the universe. and most of the time i am just fine with that. i love my life: i have great friends, an amazing family, a church that i love and get to serve in, and i’m enjoying the heck out of seminary. but i also know that in spite of my many imperfections and the fact that i am no barbie, i have alot to offer a man in a relationship. i am capable of deep love and caring. i am loyal and faithful. i’m pretty low maintenance. i’m funny as all and probably one of the sassiest women you’ll meet. i’m also cute as a button and a great cook. i am confident that my heart is a safe place for a man. but even though i know those things, i must not believe them enough to act on them . . . because i still catch myself in that vicious cycle of settling. i still catch myself telling myself that the guys that meet my standards would never be interested in me . . . so i have to settle for the ones who do look my way, but don’t exactly meet or exceed my standards. for me, settling is sin. its something that i damage myself with when i get in these funks. when i allow someone who does not view me as a woman of worth to capture my affections and attention, i am setting myself up for a bruised heart and a wounded spirit. julie is a beautiful, amazing woman. and she recently started dating an amazing man who is pursuing her and treating her like the princess she is. i envy her that . . . but it also gives me a little hope 🙂
i am desperately seeking to be deeper and sweeter in my fellowship with christ. i am opening myself up to the love of god, and learning to trust it and live in it. and as with any discipline, just when you make the commitment to any decision, everything that could possibly happen to jack that up will happen. case in point.

bottom line: god is good. i am a human woman. those two qualities predispose me to emotional overflow and funk. but they don’t excuse wallowing in something that i can change. i am choosing to leave these thoughts here; i am choosing to fall asleep tonight knowing that i will experience the love of god in unexpected ways tomorrow. i don’t have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way that he loves me.

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