here and there.

ever end up in one of those seasons where there is so much to write about, yet at the same time there is nothing to say? or where you feel like you’ve been going 7 trillion miles an hour, yet at the same time you haven’t done anything worth mentioning? where it is the best … but also the strangest?

i’m so there right now. i feel like a quagmire of juxtaposition; a walking contradiction.  so i suppose i’ll just summarize the last few months to get it out of my system … in a good way.

i’ve lived in NC for 3 and 1/2 months now- the permanence is settling in. we have jobs, an apartment, an electric bill; i don’t use the GPS every time i leave my house anymore- there are places i frequent now! i have had my first girls night (with some sweet girlfriends from church!), attended my first wedding here- someone i met here!, and grocery shopped a few times. paying the rent makes it feel like home.  overall, i would say that i’m getting pretty settled here and loving life.

our team meets weekly- loving that! the longer i’m with them, the more i love them and am content that the lord brought us together. i love our team as a family, and the way we share life and wrestle through the tangible theology of the church. being in community with people who care deeply about the fame of Jesus is beautiful. we all have alot going on in our personal lives, and since we are family, we are all affected. pray for us often!

i celebrated my 29th birthday about a month ago … it was the first time i’d been back to lynchburg since i moved! my sister and my best friend threw me a pretty epic surprise party, complete with open mic, photo booth, and the most crazy mixture of my friends i’ve ever seen. it was sweet to have the little bit of time with my family and friends. also, brentwood did a prayer and commissioning for our team that sunday- what am inspiring thing to have your fellow believers behind you! i served in that church for 5 years … it was bittersweet to leave. it feels weird to be 29 … i’m in a catch 22, because while i love my life, it doesn’t look ANYTHING like i thought it would … in good and bad ways. i never imagined that i’d have two masters degrees, teach online classes, move to north carolina to help plant a church … etc. i also never imagined that i’d drive an 11 year old car, work at a coffeeshop, and still be single.

currently reading:

• the pursuit of god (tozer). a major buttkicker.
• jesus wants to save christians (bell). an … interesting … read.
• colossians. (and one of moo’s commentaries on colossians)
• son of neptune (riordan- the heroes of olympus series).

songs i’m obsessed with:

‘before the throne of god above’

adele’s ‘turning tables’ 

drew holcomb and the neighbors ‘fire and dynamite’

i also got a new haircut. booyah.

i realize this post makes no sense. and i’m ok with that.

boasting.

Jeremiah 9:23-24: (the message)
“Don’t let the wise brag of their wisdom.
Don’t let heroes brag of their exploits.
Don’t let the rich brag of their riches.
If you brag, brag of this and this only:
That you understand and know me.
I’m God, and I act in loyal love.
I do what’s right and set things right and fair,
and delight in those who do the same things.
These are my trademarks.”

first, let me say … i love living in raleigh. i am excited to be here, and i walk confidently in the fact that i was called and led here by God. he brought our team together and is even now writing his design for this church and his work on our hearts. he is moving in each of us, and in us as a corporate body- i see this every day and know it to be true.

with that said, i’m struggling so much with insecurity and inadequacy these days. i have never been one to play the comparison game much, but there are moments when i am paralyzed by the fact that i don’t measure up to someone else. alot of moments. but i’ve been stuck on these verses from jeremiah 9 lately- i’m keeping them before me and working to let them sink in and become the baseline for my thoughts. the only thing i have to boast in is the fact that i ‘understand and know God’.  but that’s a whopper of a thing to boast in.

i know God.

i understand God.

i know God, and understand God.

(rinse, and repeat.)

homesick. (faith my eyes)

i’m not usually the girl that gets homesick, but i’m feelin it right now.

my mom called me this morning around 8 to ask if i’d heard from my grandparents after hurricane irene went through (since i’m an hour from them vs. her 4 hours from them), and just hearing her voice made me feel like i was a little girl again, away for a week at camp.  like i would be home again in a few days, and she’d make homemade pizza and we’d watch a girly movie.

the lunch menu in the karr household was grilled chicken … which ended up tasting awesome, but was quite the saga to get ready (interesting story there … it was a fun afternoon ).  i always think of my dad whenever i or anyone else grills, and today was no exception. the last few years, my role has been grill helper … i hang on to the meat platter, the tongs, the umbrella (yes, we grill in the rain! we’re hardcore.), whatever it is that dad needs me to hold while he works his grillmaster magic.  we have some of our silliest and memorable conversations while manning the grill …. so i really missed him this afternoon.

college life kicked off this evening … without me, for the first time in two years. serving as a college life leader ranks in the top five things i loved about my life in lynchburg, so this was hard.  my best friend and her boyfriend are leaders this semester, and my co-leader from last semester has a new sidekick now. my students are now someone else’s students … i am not the one who will cook them dinner every other week and go on coffee dates and have sleepovers and hear about God working in their lives. i mean, there are some relationships that have continued, and i still love and hear from those girls, but my role in their lives has changed.

sunday night is skype date night with my sister. i get to see her face via the interwebs, and we tell each other everything and laugh alot. of all the people i don’t see every day anymore, its sarah that i miss the most.  and this week i wasn’t there to be the big sister when her car battery died.

please hear what is underneath all of this- i know the lord has brought me and the rest of the team to raleigh for a reason, and at the right time. i am settling in well and loving the new relationships that i’m building.  most of the time i am too busy to miss anything or anyone too much- there is too much to do here, and too many people to meet! i’m not wishing i hadn’t moved, or that i was back in lynchburg … but i am acknowledging that i miss it.

like almost everything else in life, there’s a caedmon’s call song for this.  this time, it’s “faith my eyes” …

As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I’m reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they’re much like this concrete that’s warm beneath my feet

And how I’m all wrapped up in my mother’s face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother’s laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don’t want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep’em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I’ll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I’m curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I’m blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I’m dressing

So I’ll sing a song of my hometown
I’ll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company

monday monday.

am i the only one who likes mondays?!?

monday cheer, in the form of the things i’m obsessing about right now:

• some stuff we covered in the last week of the old testament class i’m teaching- we talked about malachi 3, and the fact that God keeps a ‘book of remembrances’- a diary! of the good things we say about him; our vocalized affections for him.  that chapter goes on to talk about the fact that those who speak well of the Lord and obey him are viewed as ‘treasured possessions’- the KJV uses the term jewels to illustrate how valued we are when we are loving, obedient children of God. that term is also used in exodus 19, where Israel is told that if they keep his covenant, God will consider them his treasured possession, even though he has all the peoples of the earth to choose from. holy crap … boomsauce.
• this song: whoa. i listen to this song on repeat just about every day.
• this funny video: sweet lobster babies!
• skyping with my sister and my best friend. hallelujah for technology!

carry on.

welcome to raleigh, and the second-best salad … (you’re gonna wanna try this.)

good lord. we’re here!! its been a few weeks now … i was waiting for some semblance of a routine, but nothing has appeared yet that looks anything like ‘normal’ … and here we are.   i’m settled in with Nick & Christianna in Durham, in my second week of work, etc.  we’re still missing candi and stacy, but the rest of the team is here! we’re loving diving into new relationships at journey church and fleshing out more of the vision and plan for our own church’s launch.  while i am already sick of driving 30 minutes to get anywhere, i’m proud of the fact that i’ve mastered the routes to work, church, and the closest starbucks!

work is great so far … (i work at a starbucks in cary!) i am learning a lot and enjoying getting to know my co-workers. there are a couple of people from journey who live near and frequent that store, so i already get to see friends at work i get to drink a lot of coffee at work, and since i have to wear black shoes, it was a good excuse to buy a new pair of toms.  (don’t judge me!)

now, about that salad …. the ladies (the smarter and better looking half) of the church plant team got together last week for some goodies and hanging out, so i wanted to come up with something that would be yummy, {sort of} healthy, and main course-ish. i found this salad on pinterest and …. shazam. here’s what you need:

• romaine lettuce, chopped (we did small servings for 8 people and used 3 hearts)
• crumbled feta
• 2 med. pears, chopped
• THICK sliced bacon, fried crisp and chopped
• chopped pecans
• dried cranberries
• poppyseed dressing and balsamic vinaigrette (a 3 poppyseed to 1 balsamic ratio)

arrange the lettuce on a large platter or in a bowl …. layer the feta, cranberries, chopped pear, bacon and pecans …. mix the dressings in a separate bowl, then pour over the salad and toss. serve with bread and you’ve got a bangin dinner.  **couple of cook’s notes here …. i’m not a huge fan of pears-  i think they are too soft and lack punch, so i next time i make this i’m going to substitute  gala or granny smith apples.  a little more crunch and tartness! and it was super expensive to buy plain pecans, so i used glazed ones instead …. holy crap.  diamond has small bags of them in the salad dressing aisle …. those things rocked my world.  i could eat them all the time. new favorite snack! but be good and chop enough for the salad … as a reward, you can eat the rest **

keep praying for us … a few people still need jobs, and we’re entering into this season knowing that we have a lot of work to do and seeking wisdom.  pray for wisdom, favor, provision, cheaper gas prices (haha! but seriously … ), continued unity and family within the team, and that above all, we are falling more and more in love with jesus every day.

top 10 [episode 8]: things i found while packing … that i forgot i owned.

i’m in the middle of packing my life into boxes for the big move next weekend … a daunting task to say the least! and i’m also going through the boxes that didn’t get unpacked from the last move, and finding some treasures or at least things i’d forgotten i had.

1. silicone cooking bands. you’d use them in place of twine when making a stuffed roast or something.  mine are hot pink (not because i like pink, but because that color was 50% off at bed, bath and beyond when i bought them).  i’ve used them a couple of times and they are awesome!
2. the entire anne of green gables series. i want to read all 8 of them again right now! i’ve had to pack all of my books already so that i don’t get distracted :/
3. the mix cd my sister and i made for the summer of 2006. i’m too embarrassed to tell you what some of the songs were … and thankful that my taste has evolved from then.
4. a poem my dad wrote me for my 27th birthday.  he is famous for his terrible ‘roses are red’ poems …. only his are ‘roses is red’ poems.  but its part of his overall charm my dad’s handwriting is atrocious, so he doesn’t write much. i cherish the few handwritten notes i have
5. my change jar! i’ve been dropping pennies in a teacup this year so i had some change to add.  its getting fuller, but it will still be awhile before its worth it to cash it in.
6. my phone from 3 years ago …. the little sprint flip phone that i used for 4 years! no charger though. why on earth did i keep that!?
7. the title to the car i had before this one. i couldn’t find it when i sold the car, so we had to get a new one.  that was … 3 years ago? oops.
8. one of martha’s thailand dresses … in case you’re reading this, i AM returning it before i move thanks for letting me borrow it back then … whenever that was.
9. my first seminary old testament exam … you know, the one i got a 96% on? yeah, i’m keeping that.
10. picture albums from summers at word of life.  i used to have REALLY bad haircuts.  thankful for the memories, and thankful that bad hair is only a memory! life is too short for crappy haircuts.

i got boxes from the ABC store so that they would all be sturdy and roughly the same size … but now my house looks like we host keggers every night of the week.  you win some, you lose some.

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say ….

yeah, i stole that from a dave matthews song. deal with it.

according to the date stamp on my last post, its been five months and some change since i wrote anything. that’s a long time, even for me! sorry i’m such an inconsistent goob.  much has transpired during these last few months, so here’s a quick catch-up:

• i worked at magnolia foods from mid-january to mid-april.  it was fun while it lasted i ended up leaving for a few reasons, the main one you’ll find out about later in this post!
• i got to serve at and attend orange conference (again!) with some other college life leaders from brentwood.  we had a great time and learned alot!! [i may or may not have learned most of the words to the great will smith classic 'gettin jiggy with it'.]
• also got to attend the advance the church conference (again!) with some of my dear friends! this is the second year we’ve gone, and it was both refreshing and challenging.
• i went to the beach with my family for the first time since 2007.  i’m way too tan to be irish … and i love it.  i went floating every day, read lots of books (for fun!!), and laid out and gabbed with my sister and my mom about everything under the sun.
• and the biggest thing to catch you up on …. i am moving at the end of july! in a few weeks, raleigh will be home.  i’m moving with a group of 14 other people to plant a church in that area next year (lord willing!).  its both terrifying and exciting …. but overwhelmingly good and god-ordained.

a little more about the move … that feels weird to say- i’ve lived in lynchburg for 16 of my 28 years. i’ve attended and graduated from high school, college, and grad school here. i’ve served at brentwood church here. i’ve changed apartments more times than i care to count, but i’d consider this my first real move.  like i said, it is both exciting and terrifying! exciting that i know i’m being obedient; that i get to work and do life with an awesome group of people that i already consider family; that i get to write my dream job and use my quirky gifts to help bring the gospel to people who need christ; that i have this chance to increase my faith and watch god do his thing (and be part of it!!!).  terrifying that i don’t have a job yet; that i am leaving a life that i’ve built and love here; that there is a very real possibility that i’m inadequate for this.  let’s be honest here: i’m a wreck and a wretch.  i have weird humor, and an obnoxiously loud laugh that gets me stared at in public.  i’m a geek.  i’m way too independent for my own good.  i’m a stubborn little cuss.  i either over think or jump blindly … there is no middle ground with me.  but in spite of those things- or maybe because of them- god wants to use me, and let me in on what he’s up to.  which means he’s got a plan to use my weird humor and obnoxious laugh, my stubbornness, my independence, my geekiness- to connect with people and be an agent of change.  more than likely, i’ll be the one who gets changed the most.  and that’s cool with me.  i need it desperately.

change of topic …. here’s some things i’ve been obsessed with lately:

iced coffee.  well, that’s nothing new. but the weather here has been PERFECT for iced coffee.  this summer the drink of choice is a grande, three pump caramel, one pump coconut, breve iced coffee with milk. and if you’re using your gold card or registered gift card, you get free refills. oh my. 
this song. even on good weeks, it ends up on repeat for at least an hour every couple of days … and on rough weeks, … let’s just say i’m thankful digital files don’t wear out. 

pinterest. if you haven’t heard of it (especially if you’re a girl) you should check it out! its essentially a bulletin board site.  you can ‘pin’ links to photos or DIY tutorials or recipes or whatever to one place and not have to have hundreds of bookmarks! check it out here.

any book by rick riordan! pretty sure i have mentioned the percy jackson series before … they are the ones about greek mythology in modern day manhattan.  fabulous.  don’t watch the movie … i heard it sucked and changed alot of things. but he also has a series (the kane chronicles) about egyptian mythology in modern day brooklyn.  i read the first two in that series while at the beach, and i can’t wait for the rest of the series! there’s also a first book in a series about roman mythology as well.  yes, they are juvenile fiction … and no, you won’t be disappointed. do it … do it now.

come ye sinners.

absolutely LOVE this old hymn by joseph hart. it was written circa 1759 … aka a LONG time ago. tood agnew did an amazing cover of this song on his album ‘grace like rain’ that i picked up while i was living in northern california 7ish years ago. i fell in love with the song! someone tweeted something that sparked it in my memory last night and its been in my head ever since. here are the lyrics and the video of todd singing.

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity, love and power.

I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O there are ten thousand charms.

Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.

I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O there are ten thousand charms.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all.

twitter-esque

i got a job today! i start working @ magnolia foods on tuesday. bring it.

had to have my nose re-pierced last night … hurt like a mother. note to self: don’t take the nose ring out. ever.

loved getting to lave coffee w/lynds yesterday! sweet friend makes me laugh every time.

byrd and i did 5 miles on blackwater monday morning … i need to do that more often.

brentwood’s new site is at jefferson forest high school … booyah! i heart my church and its commitment to doing what it takes to bring the gospel to the lynchburg area.

i adore my new house. end of story.

my roomies bought nerf guns on saturday, so we ambush each other regularly and are trying to find the best sniper spots in our house. yes, we’re all 8 years old.

chick-fil-a makes everything better.

college life starts monday! i couldn’t be more excited … its going to be an unforgettable semester.

my mom is boss.

my community group ladies are among my top 10 best blessings.

by definition.

samantha ….

• daughter
• sister
• friend
• student
• ex-girlfriend
• former employee
• leader
• servant
• follower
• writer
• reader
• mentor
• teacher
• imperfect
• impatient
• unfocused
• lacking
• tired
• unlovable
• too much
• not enough
• complicated
• beautiful
• blessed
• loved
• funny
• sarcastic
• critical
• short
• ………..

the list continues.  some of these are ‘hats’ that i wear; some are attributes; some are words i would use to describe myself- others are words other people would use to describe me.  while some are true and others are not, those words don’t define me.  this is something i’ve been thinking about alot lately, especially in light of recent events in my life.  (for more on that, see previous posts ) but awhile back, jon acuff (author of the ‘stuff christians like’ blog) wrote about this topic- so timely and just what i needed to be reminded of.  i won’t elaborate other than to tell you to read the post here.

i wrote several months ago about the fact that my tattoos help me remember who i am- they are all words that describe my position or identity in christ.  but he is the only one who is qualified to answer the question i’ve been asking myself- the question we all ask ourselves- “who am i?” the one who created us is the one who gets to answer that- no one else.

i know this. i mean, i KNOW this. but sometimes i still forget, or i let that knowledge get a little fuzzy. what i’m learning now is that while i know who gets to define me, and even some of the words he uses- that definition is never complete (at least not this side of heaven). as long as christ keeps conforming me to his character, and as long as i keep walking this crazy journey known as life, i am ever changing. ever growing. ever learning. ever deepening. ever becoming.

this means that i might not ever know myself fully. while i’m not a huge fan of this idea, the flip side is that there is still the power to change, improve, and surprise.  those are good things. because its disheartening to be 28 years old, have two master’s degrees, and still not know what i’m doing with my life. i know i’m working out of a funk, so all of this is coming out of a place i shouldn’t be in anyways. but my state of mind (and heart) right now does serve to make me glad that the rest of my story is yet to be revealed. who i am, by definition of sanctification, isn’t nailed down yet. there is hope for me, and for all of us.

oh christ, be the center of our lives

be the place we fix our eyes

be the center.